Top 5 Hated Video Game Characters

As promised, a day late.

As this is my first official article, I figured I should write about something that occupied the majority of my childhood: video games. The main character in all video games is someone who holds the entire thing together. He should be connectable, interesting and with very few foibles. While I'm not necessarily talking about main characters, none of these select individuals have any of the qualities listed above, making them my Top 5 Hated Video Game characters!

#5 – Slippy Toad (Star Fox)

This is the one character that will make it on everyone's hit list. If you have ever played Star Fox, or seen anyone play it, you will know what I'm talking about. But for those who don't, take a look.

With the flying skills of a penguin, Slippy bursts onto the scene. It takes no longer than the first level for the player to realize that there has never been a more helpless ally in all of gaming history. He is constantly under fire and can never seem to get anyone off his tail, causing Fox to risk his own ass trying to save him.

To put things in perspective, the battle of Passchendaele raged on close to the end of the first world war. The terrain was so bad, that soldiers often got stuck in the mud. Countless others walked past the flailing man with mud up to his waist because if they helped him, they would get stuck themselves and die. I cannot count the times I have died or taken a meaningless hit trying to save this worthless excuse for a pilot.

Compounding everything else, his voice is so damn grating. It's not enough that you have to save him every other minute, but every time you do, you want to cut your ears off as a less painful alternative.

Why did I eat a lemon after cutting off my ears?

Beating up the mentally challenged is pretty much the number one thing to do if you want to be labeled as a psychopath, but Slippy is the exception that makes the rule.

EDIT: I looked up "Slippy Redeeming Qualities", and found no relevant results.

#4 – The Dog (Duck Hunt)

I was a fairly sheltered child until I was around 10, so I never got to experience this game on the NES. However, I stopped by an arcade one time, and lo and behold, Duck Hunt. Along with Mario, Zelda and Metriod, classic games with countless sequels, Duck Hunt helped shape Nintendo into the gaming powerhouse it is today. In fact, the original Mario and Duck Hunt appeared on a game cartridge together.

But then there's this stupid dog. Let's call him assface.

I laugh at your pain.

It doesn’t help that the game is hard , or maybe I was just terrible at it, but every time you miss a duck, assface here laughs at you. This pixelized waste of space is making fun of you for missing a duck about an inch big. That's right, assface, the same thing that will eat its own crap for fun is criticizing your gaming skills.

I hated this game until I figured out there was a glitch where you could shoot him. I think I speak for the world when I say I laughed just as hard as assface did.

#3 – Seymour Guado (Final Fantasy X)

Final Fantasy is one of the most well known game series of all time. They have been so successful, they have made over 40 games branched off into many different genres. There are some pants-crappingly annoying characters in these games, so it means something that I'm picking Seymour Guado.

It only takes one look of his haircut make you want to punch his throat in.

Seymour, as he is referred to in the game, is a power hungry, self-centered, arrogant freak. When he makes his first appearance, you can tell he is up to no good. Especially since he can summon the evil incarnate:

MY TWO ATTACKS ARE PAIN AND OBLIVION. I LOVE YOU.

Moreover, you'd think this annoying prick would die when you killed him; but in typical Final Fantasy fashion, he comes back. 4 times. And each time more douchey than usual. He kills off his colleagues, and his father. Oh, and he kills off all but one of an entire race.

If you have any shred of dignity left for this genocidal monster, one: I am legitimately worried for your mental well being, and two: he forcibly marries Yuna, the sweetest, purest character in the game. While it doesn’t seem like it is much, I can guarantee you that anybody who has played this game wanted to puke at that moment.

#2 – Navi (The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time)

Apart from Mario, Zelda is the -HEY!! LISTEN!!-... As I was saying, it is the most popular Nintendo series to -HEY!! LISTEN!!-... Okay, look I don't want to know what pointless information you have for -HEY!! LISTEN!!-. If I ignore you for long enough, will you -HEY!! LISTEN!!- Look I don't want to deal with -HEY!! LISTEN!!- Will you just shut -HEY!! LISTEN!!- I'm going to tear your wings -HEY!! LISTEN!!- AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!

The doctor says he's been like this for weeks, claiming voices have been telling him to listen.

Ocarina of Time was arguably the pinnacle of the N64. It has paved the way for all of the 3-D Zeldas that have come since then. In other words, it's a big deal. Some people will argue that Majora's Mask was better than its predecessor, and I agree in one aspect. Your fairy companion.

Navi is a fairy that follows you around for the whole game. Normally the quirky sidekick isn't a problem at all in games, but when the sidekick tells you the most pointless information ever, often repeating the same freaking advice. To be honest, I was thinking of putting Kaepora Gaebora (the owl) instead of Navi, but Navi edges him out simply for the fact that she does it for the entire game.

Why would I need to listen to this again?

Her trademark “HEY! LISTEN!” is tied for the most grating voice in all of video game history with Slippy, and she will not be ignored. She will screech bloody murder into your ear until you either leave the area, or bash your TV in with your bare hands.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, the 8^th layer of hell.

#1 – Whitney (Pokemon G/S/C, HG/SS)

Pokemon Silver was my first game on the original Game Boy other than Tetris, which at my age, was too damn hard. To this day, it is still one of the best games on any handheld and still has replay value. So let me give you the picture. I arrive at the third gym, confident after two extremely easy gym battles. I breeze through all the cronies that bar my path and arrive at the mistress of Normal Pokemon, Whitney. I start the battle, and get absolutely demolished. Took me two days to beat her, and when I finally did; this.

You may now rage.

After I went through hell and back to beat her, she doesn't give me the badge. I talk to her umpteen million times, and turn my game off because I thought it was a glitch. Mad and confused at the world, I go on a hunger strike and eventually die because I didn't think to walk three steps down to trigger an event that would allow me to talk to her again and receive my prize that I starved myself to death for.

In retrospect, a hunger strike was probably a bit over the top.

Caleb the Half-Dead


Please share this blog with your friends, comment, and follow.  It may seem like an insignificant act, but it shows that people care about my writing, which will motivate me to do it. Follow me at twitter.com/handlesswriter for updates about the site.