Top 10 TV Commercial Characters that Deserve more than 30 Seconds

TV commercials are the most effective way of getting the companies point across. Through a commercial, companies are able to hit potential customers right when they're vulnerable: when they've just come back from work, one hand cradling a beer and the other down their pants. If you need any more proof as to how successful they are, companies are paying upwards of 2 million dollars for a 30 second time slot during the Super Bowl. That's 240 million dollars an hour (slightly more than what I'm getting paid...).

$240 million per hour, huh?...

Through these commercials, many outstanding characters have been formed. Some I cannot figure out why they exist, but others are absolutely brilliant. Here's my Top 10 TV Commercial Characters that Deserve more than 30 Seconds.

Before I start, I just want to state that doing research for this Top 10 was excruciating. The things I do for you guys.

#10 – Where's the Beef Ladies (Wendy's)

Looking at a billboard or commercial for a Big Mac, MacDonalds portrays the holy grail of a burger. Each piece of lettuce, cheese, pickles and onions are handpicked and placed with the utmost care between a three-tier sesame seed bun. It makes you wonder why God enabled such a marvelous creature to walk among us. In reality they give you something like this.

AAH! SOMEONE KILL IT!!

The Where's the Beef Ladies are dedicated to stamping out the injustices of the small portions in fast food. Whether it be a Big Mac or a whopper, these ladies will not rest until the amount of beef is greater than or equal to that of the bun. I don't know about you, but when I'm in my late 70s, I'd get paid to act like a man-child.

WHY DID I GOOGLE MAN-BABY?!?!?!?

Where`s the Beef is actually getting a re-boot. It's about a guy who finds a bargain bin shirt in a second-hand clothes store that has the beefy slogan on it. I have just got to say, Wendy's, you've outdone yourself.

#9 – Flo (Progressive Car Insurance)

Out of all the names they could've chosen for their new character, Progressive chose “Flo”. I'm not here to write about how typing “Flo” into any search engine, much less YouTube can bring up some... unsavoury results.

I'm not even going to give an explanation.

Luckily, however, Progressive's commercials have been popular enough to overshadow these horrible, life-sucking images and claim the first result on the search engine. Which kind of throws into doubt why I would skip past the first result, which happens to be relevant, and go straight to the disturbing one. It's not like I have some sort of sado-masochistic relationship with myself or anything (please help...).

Oh, yeah. The commercial... I should probably talk about that. It's funny. Moving on.

#8 – Carl, Professional Wing Critic (Boston Pizza)

Carl is a pioneer in wing critiquing. For the first time in ever, the common man is able to tell the difference between a nib and a nub. Thanks to Carl, humankind is now able to feel the bite of a hot wing, a feat not accomplished since Icarus flew too close to the sun.

The amount of training Carl has received to reach the pinnacle of wing critiquing is immense. When his parents discovered he had a gift, they sent him away at the tender age of 14. Soon after that, he was accepted into the Academy of Food Critiquing in Paris, where he took many classes, such as The Art of Poetry 101, but that has nothing to do with his current job. On his 16^th birthday, he critiqued his first wing and figured out that it was his calling.

Ever since that fateful day, the human race has been graced by his presence. Anything is possible thanks to his patented wing critiquing skills.

#7 – The 4 Guys (Captain Morgan's)

In my youth, I would hatch elaborate plans to accomplish the most simple of tasks. I would establish cover-ups, alibis, and force my sister to work as an unwilling accomplice; all for the purpose of stealing a Welch's fruit snack pack.

If people kill for Milk Duds, you do NOT want to know what I'd do for a Welch's.

But never have I ever put posters up around the entire city, found treasures at the bottom of a hotel swimming pool, or strapped a dummy to an automatic lawnmower in an attempt to get into that club. This just shows you how effective the advertisement is. I haven't had a sip of alcohol in my life (besides Communal wine, but even that is living on the edge), and I still want to be The 4 Guys. Not that I'm allowed in clubs.

Really? Fine, okay. I didn't want to go to the hottest club in town anyways. I'll just go home and write my blog.

Through elaborate lengths, these feats are accomplished. Proving once again to the impressionable minds of the future that you have to impress people to make friends.

#6 – Mayhem (Allstate Insurance)

Mayhem made it on this list simply because he is completely and utterly insane. This is NOT the type of guy you want to meet in a dark alley because he will tear out your soul with his teeth and eat it. Don't believe me? Watch the above video and tell me you can't picture yourself waking up to this guy standing over your bed, which is followed immediately by you soaking your bed sheets while he cackles manically as he peels off his skin, revealing the evil incarnate.

The fact that this character is a serial killer aside, this is actually a consummate example of what an insurance commercial should be. Insurance is a preventative measure. The most effective way to make people purchase insurance is to scare the literal crap out of them. Unlike most insurance commercials, which aim to amuse, Mayhem is an accurate reminder of how quickly things can go awry.

Well, there's a brown stain in my pants; I guess it's time to buy insurance.

The first time I saw this commercial, I instantly drew comparisons to The Joker. Both see the world as accident waiting to happen, and they apply the entirety of their psychotic state to accelerating it's downfall. Oh, and both have an insatiable lust for blood and take it out on humanity.

You wanna buy car insurance?

#5 – Overly Serious, Hard-Boiled Question Guy (Geico)

Was it a good idea for me to include the Geico Question Guy in this Top Ten? Is it a bad idea to piddle on a wasps nest? Are you now thinking this paragraph in my voice?

Yes.

That's essentially the premise for this Geico commercial, which has come from a company that has produced many memorable characters in the past. I don't know what sets him apart from the others; maybe it's his outlandishly good looks, maybe it's the way he wistfully stares into your eyes in a way only a lover could. No, the thing that sets him apart is his voice. This man, this beautiful, wild stallion of a man has a voice that could sooth Morgan Freeman to sleep.

Except for the fact the Morgan Freeman NEVER SLEEPS.

What's more, through multiple DNA tests and other science... er, stuff, I have determined that The Overly Serious, Hard-Boiled Question guy is a love child of Pierce Brosnan and Kronk from The Emperors New Groove.

Yeah.

#4 – The League of Uncompromising Men (Wiser's)

The League of Uncompromising Men is about men who don't compromise (I'll take my Bloggie for Best Writing of a Weblog, please). They use their quick intellect to come up with outlandish excuses which somehow get them out of situations no man should have to suffer through. After they successfully avoid said situation, they are serenaded with the approval of the League of Uncompromising (and Attractive) Men. Never in my life have I wanted anything more than to do something that meets the approval of this group.

Not only are these men uncompromising, they are also apparently freaking ninjas with the ability to sneak up on anyone, even in their most intimate moments and set up a living room, pour themselves some whiskey, and serenade the recipient with a well-deserved slow clap. All counts of trespassing aside, these men truly are the greatest group formed since Dmitri Mendeleev categorized the elements.

Oh, funny, cute, Chemistry Kitty. You get me every time!

#3 – The Ranger (Kokanee)

In the cold, desolate Kokanee mountain range, Sasquatches run wild, stealing the Fresh, Winter Taste™ of Kokanee beer. It's up to one completely incompetent park ranger to silence the Sasquatch for good. The Ranger bursts onto the scene, with his only qualification being his mustache, but dammit, that's all he needs.

I pledge allegiance to the mustache.

The Ranger was probably the first “viral” commercial character in that he was so popular that Kokanee basically made an entire miniseries about him. He was also the spawning ground for the “Ranger: Live or Die?” marketing campaign, in which Kokanee drinkers could go to a website (rangerliveordie.ca – I know, original) and vote for the Ranger’s fate. Both the Ranger and the Sasquatch fronted online campaigns to see who could kill the other. Millions voted, and it came down to the wire, with only thousands of votes separating the two. In fact, it was so close, there is supposedly an alternate ending to the final two and a half minute long commercial, which can be seen here.

God rest thy soul, Kokanee Park Ranger, God rest thy soul. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go curl up in a ball and sob for an hour.

#2 – The Man Your Man Could Smell Like (Old Spice)

Okay, I'm back. Went through an entire box of Kleenex, but I think I'll be okay.

The Man Your Man Could Smell Like is not only the perfect example of what your man should smell like, he is also the perfect man. From his deep voice to the body of a Male Adonis, to knowing exactly what you love, he has made it into the Top Ten of People's Hearts (HAHA SEE WHAT I DID THERE???).

Thank you, I'm here until Thursday.

You know a character is jaw-droppingly awesome when the actor who plays him is named ISAIAH MUSTAFA. I'll give you a moment to digest.

It's the ciiiiircle of awesome...

So, in summation. Be this guy.

#1 – The Most Interesting Man in the World (Dos Equis)

There is only one man who could possibly top The Man Your Man Could Smell Like is a man whose personality is so magnetic, he can't carry credit cards. He can speak Spanish fluently, in German. He once visited a psychic to warn her. And he doesn't always drink beer, but when he does, he prefers Dos Equis.

Stay thirsty my friends.

The Most Interesting Man in the World is the Chuck Norris of the 21^st century. His hazy, mysterious eyes have seen things that a less interesting man could not handle. Despite his rugged exterior, he is a lover, not a fighter; but he can still fight, so don't get any funny ideas. He is always more than well dressed, especially when playing golf with Kim Jong-il, and humiliated the Dear Leader's world record by shooting 19 holes in one.

This was never recognized by the North Korean media.

His most notable accomplishment is helping deliver Abraham Lincoln while slam-dunking over Yao Ming. But he doesn't like to brag.

Caleb the Reallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreally-Sorry-I-Haven't-Posted-For-A-Month

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